Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Good Read online

  EPISODE SIX

  The Acupuncturist / Original Airdate: October 28, 2001 / Directed by Bryan Gordon

  As Curb Your Enthusiasm goes on, one of its pleasures is the sight of guest stars who haven’t been seen on the screen for some time. Larry David clearly has a fondness for actors he would have watched in his for-mative years, especially those with comic talents. In this case it’s Ed Asner, who was best known as the crusty boss on The Mary Tyler Moore Show. Asner has since become known for his support of various political causes so it’s all the more amusing to see him, now in his early seventies, as a dirty-mouthed and dirty-minded old man. He certainly looks like he’s having fun.

  But before we get to C. D. Weiner, the Asner character, we are introduced to his son Barry (played by Jeremy Kramer). Once a writer on Saturday Night Live along with Larry, Barry’s fortunes have not exactly gone in the same direction. Larry discovers him working behind the counter in a deli. What makes Barry bitter is that his father, suffering from a weak heart and unlikely to last long, won’t give Barry any money until after his death. Barry asks for a loan of $5,000 just until his father dies. Larry reluctantly writes the check.

  Just as interesting though is Cheryl’s reaction to the loan. She calls Barry an “asshole” who thinks he’s smarter than everyone else, a mildly shocking expression considering her generally clean language and more generous feelings about people. Even more striking, she condemns her multimillionaire husband for lending him the money: “People come to you with their hand out and you can’t say no?” She even calls him a “pussy,” a milder form of the “cunt” insult that got Larry into trouble not long ago. But how do we reconcile the envelope-stuffing, left-leaning Cheryl with the character we see here? The only way is to accept her as a bundle of contradictions, as one of those rich Hollywood wives who feels good supporting causes but also hates to give up a penny. Or maybe Larry David just wants to push the character a little farther. He does seem to like to bring out everyone’s uglier side.

  Larry and Cheryl get invited to a surprise party for Barry’s wife but Jeff is slow picking them up and then Cheryl makes Larry change his clothes; they end up being late. The wife sees them on the sidewalk with a gift in hand and guesses what’s up, ruining the surprise — for which Larry, naturally, gets blamed. At the party, Cheryl tells Barry’s dad C.D. about her work for the Natural Resources Defense Council and he offers to donate to the cause if Cheryl will go out for lunch with him. Whether Cheryl is too naive to pick up his sexual hints or is just ignoring them isn’t clear.

  It’s been a while since Larry tried to do someone any good, but now he takes a turn with C.D., telling him a story about how he never would have created Seinfeld if his own father hadn’t supported him when he was struggling to make a living. Larry hopes that C.D. will change his will, but instead the old man, believing that Barry put Larry up to it, decides to cut Barry out entirely.

  Here is where Larry uses his favorite narrative device, crossing the plots of the episode’s two stories in order to resolve them both. The other part of the episode involves Larry making a bet with a Japanese acupuncturist that he can’t cure Larry’s neck problem. (The real Larry David does have stiffness and pain in his neck.) This plot, in turn, ties into a misunderstanding Larry has with a waiter in a Japanese restaurant. And it all comes to a head when Larry returns to the restaurant, sees Cheryl and C.D. having lunch there, and gets a glass of water thrown at him by the waiter. Naturally, the waiter misses Larry and hits C.D. who promptly has a heart attack and dies, solving Barry’s problem.

  This is a rather fitful episode, the acupuncture story dragged out and the character of Barry never given a chance to do much. (Is he really an “asshole” as Cheryl contends? Not as far as we’re allowed to see.) It’s Ed Asner with his lascivious looks and grumbling curses who saves the day.

  EPISODE SEVEN

  The Doll / Original Airdate: November 4, 2001 / Directed by Robert B. Weide

  The season’s story arc — trying to get a new sitcom on the air — is an opportunity to bring in Julia Louis-Dreyfus and media types who, after all, constitute Larry David’s world these last years. But the real point of it is not the attempt to put on a show, but Larry’s secret desire not to.

  The cringe factor gets upped considerably in “The Doll.” Those viewers who sometimes find themselves turning off the show because they just can’t take it might end up not seeing this one to the end (a phenomenon that Larry David did not anticipate). But for those who aren’t faint of heart, it’s a good one.

  The show opens with Larry David, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Jeff Greene pitching their television idea to the executives of ABC, their second attempt following the HBO debacle. Lane Michaelson of ABC gives it the go-ahead, mentioning incidentally that Jason Alexander will be starring in a show about a motivational speaker, which was the real, short-lived Bob Patterson. Michaelson then invites them to the screening of a new ABC miniseries called Harriet Beecher Stowe. It’s a sign of the difference between the people in the show and the rest of us that what we might find exciting they consider a dull obligation.

  At the screening, Larry gets into an argument with a woman about bringing his bottle of water into the theater. He has a “chest freeze” from an icy drink at the after-party then wanders upstairs in search of a bathroom that has a lock on the door. He meets the Michaelsons’ little girl who is brushing her limited edition Judy doll’s hair. (Cue Larry to give his execrable Cary Grant imitation, “Judy, Judy, Judy . . .”) When she says the doll’s hair is too long, Larry offers to cut it with his Swiss Army Knife, only to have the child scream in horror, embarrassing him in front of the other guests. This distraction causes Larry to forget to guard the downstairs lockless bathroom door, resulting in Lane Michaelson walking in on Cheryl and seeing “everything.”

  It should be noted here that Larry doesn’t intend to terrorize children, at least not usually. He simply lacks a parent’s instincts or even common sense. Yet there seems something vaguely perverse about him going upstairs and cutting a doll’s hair, a theme amplified by Cheryl’s bathroom exposure. But for poor, normal (that is, sexually normal) Larry things are only going to get worse.

  Jeff thinks that his own daughter, owner of dozens of dolls, may have a Judy. He and Larry sneak into Susie’s house where Larry finds the doll and pulls off its head, stuffing it into his trousers. Later they will be confronted in a classic Susie scene: “Where’s the fuckin’ head?” she screams, like they’re in some cheesy slasher film.

  Larry manages to give the head to the girl’s mother and at the second miniseries screening the girl has a chance to thank Larry by putting her arms around his waist and giving him a hug. Unfortunately, at the time Larry is in the women’s washroom, the door of which Cheryl was supposed to guard but, remembering her own exposure, has decided to leave unattended. Also unfortunately, Larry has just put a plastic water bottle down his pants to hide it so he can take it into the screening. The girl runs screaming to her mother, claiming that Larry has something “hard in his pants,” and the last thing we see is Larry escaping out the bathroom window with a mob in hot pursuit. The deal with ABC is, of course, toast.

  Part of the cringe factor in the episode is that the viewer is increasingly unsure of just what Larry might do next. He seems to lack the usual hesitancies, the rational checks that might warn the rest of us something isn’t a good idea. Quite possibly this has to do with the new television show and Larry’s secret desire to scuttle his own new success. He is pursuing the show not because he wants to but because the world (embodied by Cheryl) says he must do something. Because Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Jeff Greene need jobs. Maybe he doesn’t really think the sitcom idea is good enough. Maybe he doesn’t want to bother. Whatever the reason, his secret desire to fail seems to be causing Larry to veer out of control.

  EPISODE EIGHT

  Shaq / Original Airdate: November 11, 2001 / Directed by Dean Parisot

  What makes this episode funny? Is
it the use of a sports celebrity? Sure, that’s part of it. But even more it’s the small moments, the asides, and throw-away lines that get the chuckles.

  Let’s look at the very first scene — a restaurant. (And how many restaurant scenes are in the average episode? My guess is five. Readers are invited to count for themselves.) Larry and Cheryl are dining with two other couples, neither close friends. Everyone is talking about some fourteen-month-old kid, cooing over how adorable he is. And what does Larry say? He holds up a broccoli crown and asks what the restaurant has done with the stem. Warming to his theme, he holds up a piece of cauliflower and asks whether anyone actually eats the stuff. This has nothing to do with the story line but everything to do with Larry.

  We all know that a true friend is somebody you can count on, somebody who will go out of his or her way to help you. We also know that Larry absolutely hates being asked to do anything for anyone. He abhors an obligation. Does this make him incapable of real friendship? Quite possibly. In this case, it must be admitted that the two people at the table who ask favors of him are bare acquaintances. In fact, both requests prove that they know next to nothing about Larry. A man who is an artist asks Larry to write him a letter of recommendation for a fellowship at an art museum. Not only does Larry have little interest in art, he also dislikes the artist’s geometrical work. Next a woman asks him if he will contribute a page to a book being assembled for her husband’s birthday. She suggests he write a poem. And then the scene ends with another funny moment that has nothing to do with the story. Larry, putting down money to contribute to the bill, is completely ignored. He keeps throwing down bills until he has left $115, far more than their share.

  The main story line is actually set up in the locker room of the golf club, where Jeff offers his courtside Lakers tickets to Larry. But the funniest moment occurs when Larry asks the Lakers’ doctor, also in the locker room, to look at something on his back. The doctor refuses, Larry persists, and at last the doctor says, “Next time you’re in a hurry why don’t you write me a bunch of shit for free.” (Actors have said that although the show is improvised, David does give the occasional line that he wants an actor to say. This definitely sounds like one.)

  Larry takes Richard Lewis to the game — the scene takes place at the Staples Center, with a big crowd in attendance. Larry stretches out his legs and accidentally trips Shaquille O’Neal, injuring him. Richard Lewis gets off a good line as photographers crowd around: “It’s not an assassination attempt, for God’s sake.” Larry’s image is thrown up on the big screen and he’s booed by the crowed. The story makes the news and there are suggestions that Larry, a Knicks fan, tripped Shaq deliberately. At home the phone won’t stop ringing and on the street people call him “asshole.” The Lakers take away Jeff’s seasons tickets. Remorseful, he asks Jeff what he can do. “Buy the team!” screams Jeff.

  The story though turns out to be a playful commentary on good luck and bad — or in sports terms, on winning and losing streaks. Tripping Shaq seems like bad luck indeed, but it triggers a series of incidents that turn Larry into a smiling, singing man. First, Cheryl’s parents, who have been visiting, decide to leave early because of all the negative attention. Then the artist from the show’s opening scene says he doesn’t need the letter of recommendation. Larry goes to visit Shaq in the hospital and a doctor tells him the blemish on his back is nothing to worry about. Shaq forgives him when Larry arrives with a cart full of Seinfeld tapes (the episode was made before their release on DVD). Larry even manages to catch the Lakers’ doctor cheating at Scattergories. Larry and Shaq happily watch the basketball star’s favorite episode, “The Contest.”

  And then, just as suddenly — only this time without any trigger — Larry’s luck turns again. He gets sprayed by a passing car, receives a parking ticket, and finds out that the doctor who told him he was fine is a psychiatric patient (and what an old gag that is). Which only goes to show that luck is a fleeting thing and bound to change, one way or the other.

  EPISODE NINE

  The Baptism / Original Airdate: November 18, 2001 / Directed by Keith Truesdell

  In what way is Larry Jewish? He obviously doesn’t practice the faith. He doesn’t keep kosher. He doesn’t even have a secular, modern nationalist (i.e. Zionist) viewpoint: witness the episode in which he taunts another Jew with music from Wagner. He does, however, have a New York accent. He’s also a Knicks’ fan (like Woody Allen). He likes Chinese food.

  That seems about it. Except for one thing. He’s decidedly not a Christian. And when he and Cheryl have to go to a baptism for a Jewish man who’s converting to Christianity, Larry asks why. “You guys come to our side,” he asserts. “We don’t go to your side.”

  The Jewish man is marrying Cheryl’s sister, Becky, and Larry and Cheryl are flying to Monterey to attend. Not only does Larry have no idea what a baptism is, he resents the Christian impulse to convert. As Larry says, trying to convert people to Christianity is the same as if he tried to get other people to eat lobster just because he likes it. “Eat lobster!” he shouts. “It’s good, it’s good!”

  Even if it isn’t kosher.

  A good deal of the episode is taken up with Larry and Cheryl trying to get to Monterey, made complicated by missing their flight due to Larry’s insistence that he drive to the airport. There’s a priceless couple’s moment when he asks Cheryl whether he should take Lincoln Boulevard. “I need Lincoln approval!” he cries, sounding like countless driving husbands before him. Suffice it to say that they arrive by the riverside in time to see the minister about to dunk the convert under the water. But Larry thinks the minister is trying to drown him, cries out, and disrupts the ceremony before it can be completed.

  In the house afterward, the groom decides that he doesn’t want to convert after all — that the interruption was a sign from God. Larry is feeling pretty chagrined, at least until the groom’s Jewish relatives surround him and whisper their congratulations. Stopping the conversion was a “gutsy thing” says one, a “mitzvah [good deed] for my family” says another. And Larry basks in the glory of being a Jewish hero. “You know,” he nods sagely, “I thought something had to be done.” A woman asks if he will speak at her daughter’s bat mitzvah. This is very funny stuff, even if it does mean the marriage is off. Looks like Larry feels some Jewish solidarity after all.

  In order for the story to work — Larry the character has to lose the plane tickets and then accidentally turn off their telephone answering service — Larry the director uses a couple of exceedingly minor subplots. One involves giving Larry’s maroon jacket to a homeless person. The other has Richard Lewis accusing Larry of stealing his outgoing telephone message that he claims he wrote in “Paris.” Regrettably, we never get to hear the message.

  EPISODE TEN

  The Massage / Original Airdate: November 25, 2001 / Directed by Robert B. Weide

  In this last episode of the season, Larry David needs to bring the story arc to its conclusion. So it’s not surprising that the opening scene is Larry and Julia and Jeff discussing the sitcom. Losing first HBO and then ABC has drained Julia’s enthusiasm and she doesn’t want to do the show anymore. But Larry and Jeff convince her to make one final pitch to CBS. Larry tells her that he’ll do all the work; she won’t have to say a word. She agrees.

  Something else isn’t very surprising about the episode. Jeff and Larry pass a man wearing a sandwich board that says I AM A SHOPLIFTER. The man, says Jeff, is undergoing what’s called “scarlet letter punishment.” Many viewers will guess that Larry himself is going to end up with just such a sign on him. The question is how will it happen? (Larry David seems to have got the idea from a Tennessee judge who sentenced shoplifters to standing with signs in front of the stores they stole from.)

  It’s extraordinary how often innocent Larry is taken for being some kind of sexual pervert. You might say that he gets to experience none of the fun with all of the guilt. Jeff sends him to a massage therapist because he’s too tense and
when the redheaded woman is almost done she asks Larry if he wants her to “finish” him off. Sure, he says, only to find himself being sexually stroked by the woman’s expert hands. He manages to croak out “stop” — which Jeff, when told about it, finds hard to believe. As does the writer, actor, comedian Mike Binder, whom Jeff happens to be having a meeting with. In fact Mike — offended that Larry doesn’t watch his television show — says his story is like one of his episodes. Indeed, there was an episode involving a masseuse on Binder’s two-season-long series, Mind of the Married Man. When Larry David found out, he asked Binder to come on Curb.

  Larry’s greatest fear is that Cheryl will find out. And how will she find out? The psychic she’s going to might tell her. That Larry believes a psychic is real seems out of character, but no matter. In fact, he’s so worried that it’s all he can think about at the pitch meeting, where the CBS executive is played by SNL veteran Nora Dunn. Julia has to do all the selling and CBS says yes.

  How Larry ends up wearing the sandwich board starts earlier in the episode, when he refuses to do a “stop and chat” with the maître d’ of an upscale restaurant called Moho. It happens to be the same restaurant that Cheryl takes Larry to as a special evening, even hiring a limousine to drive them. Cheryl is trying to create a romantic evening, but Larry is once again oblivious to her intentions — unless he unconsciously wishes to destroy them. Either way he spends the entire meal fretting about the limousine driver waiting for them (he refers to his own days as a driver, a job Larry David actually had) and decides to bring him some leftovers. But the previously insulted maître d’ catches Larry with a fork in his pocket, calls the police, and before you know it Larry is displaying a sign with the words I STEAL FORKS FROM RESTAURANTS emblazoned on it. As he walks back in forth in front of the restaurant, the executives of all the networks arrive — including CBS, which promptly drops the show. An ignoble end to the season certainly, but since Larry has given every indication that he doesn’t want to do the show, not really an unhappy one.